I realized when I was done writing that I had written so much and I hadn't actually got to the first day yet. While Brenden and Jacquelin watch a movie I figured I'd at least get us caught up to the present.
We met Jacquelin the following Thursday, after two whole days on the foster parent list. I had many conversations with the barrage of people in her life, from her therapist to her social worker, and one of her primary caregivers. They had all warned me that she was very mouthy and also extremely shy. But all of them agreed that she was a really wonderful girl, and as soon as I cracked that hard exterior shell I was in for something very special. We were supposed to meet her at the group home for an introduction and then, if she felt comfortable, we were going to head back to our house and show her around. She could barely get herself in the door, she was so shy. At the time we thought that she wasn't going to pick us.
We told her that we had already said yes to her, and now it was up to her to decide if she wanted to live with us. She had two questions: 1. Would she be able to hang out with her friends if she finished all of her homework? (at the group home she isn't allowed to hang out with anyone outside of school) 2. Could she get an iphone? We reassured her that she would be able to have sleep overs, and that we would provide the food for her friends while they were here (she thought she'd have to pay). But Brenden and I, both avid android users who joke that the only apple product we had was stock (a joke that was much funnier last year) we appalled. Should a 14 year old really have an iphone? But Brenden and I said we would try to figure it out a way to make it work, and even if it wasn't an iphone, it would be a smart phone.
She said she'd like to see our house. We made awkward small talk in the car on our way to the house and when we got here she told us it was nice and that she was worried she'd get lost trying to find her way around the house. We sat in our living room to talk, and I asked her if she'd like to live with us. She said yes. I told her that she could call us whatever she wanted to, and she said that she wanted to call us mom and dad. That was the point where my very tall and slightly Brawny man looking husband began to cry. Then Jacquelin's primary caregiver, Marie started crying, followed by Jacquelin and lastly by me. There we were, all sobbing away in the living room.
What followed was the back and forth that I'm sure is a completely normal in a world where nothing is really normal. In the next few meetings, sometimes we would meet her and she would be happy and engaged in conversations, other times she would be sullen and removed. Even when she would get upset with us and not speak to me for days, she would always tell her social worker, her case worker and her primary caregiver that she was moving in with us on June 24th. We got together for a couple of dinners, a movie and with every meeting we would get closer and closer and she would slowly begin to open up more. The final crack in the armor of teenage angst came when she called me at 9pm on a Thursday night and asked if I would take her to get her nails done on Friday for a party that she was going to on Saturday. My roommate, Jacquelin and I all went to my great nail place in the Inner Richmond. I couldn't get her to stop talking and sharing. From then on, it's been a constant stream of communication and plans for when she moves in. All we had to do was plan it. We scheduled a time to get her bedsheets, pack her up, and most importantly, get her her phone.
So we went to get the phone, but first I had to discuss it with my girlfriends and parents to see what they thought about it. I was raised in two families, when I was growing up my mother would make me pay the difference between a plain manila folder and the Lisa Frank folder that all of the other girls had. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't justify buying a teenager a $300 piece of electronic equipment. I spoke with my very level headed and frugal friend, who told me exactly what I wanted to hear, that I shouldn't get her the phone. But when I spoke with Brenden we determined that the problem we had was with apple products and that we would have got her a smart phone anyway so that we could have her run her calender and security app that we run and all be in communication. We ended up saying that we'd buy her the phone, in exchange for extra chores. I reconciled it as being a much needed accessory in our age of technology. After spending hours in an ATT store, she had her phone and we were ready for Monday.
Today, I came over to the group home that she was moving out of, not just once to pick her up, but twice. Her friend was so worried about her moving that Jacquelin didn't want her to see her moving any of her stuff for fear that it would make her more upset. So I came over at noon and helped her pack up the rest of her clothes and nick knacks and then came over again at 5:30 to pick her up.
She was still saying goodbye to all of her friends. It was great to see how many people she affected and how many people are going to miss her there. Her best friend was especially sad and her sister was finding it hard to be there to say goodbye. She was crying and upset, but also really excited to be coming to our house. I had completely forgotten that I had a similar goodbye when I left the shelter after 6 months of living there. I had friends from the shelter that I had convinced my high school dance committee (of which I was chair) to let them come to the dance too. They were so excited to join the dance and had a wonderful time. These friends were also the reason I got my EMT license. I was hanging out with this black guy with an Irish accent, I believe his name was Dylan. He explained to me that his mother was a prostitute in Reno and that sometimes she would drop off money for him at the hotel where she kept him. When he would have the money he would first go and buy food for himself for the week and then, next, he would pick a place he wanted to travel to and go there on the greyhound bus. He was 14, I was 14. Neither of us were interested in the rest of the way that the shelter works, with kids having fits and fighting with each other. We hung out in the nurses office and did our homework and read the EMT book she had in her library. I learned that I can get my EMT license as early as 15, and made that my goal, which basically occupied my time through the rest of the shelter.
Though I've tried, halfheartedly to find the people that made life bearable in the shelter, I've put those people into my past and really have never tried to retrieve them. I'm looking forward to seeing how Jacquelin handles all of this. I'd love for her to continue those relationships. When speaking with one of her favorite caregivers at her group home, Darren told me that he hopes that she doesn't call or stay in contact, that is time for her to move on with her life. I don't know which way is right, or what she'll choose.
But in the mean time I'll just sit here and watch silly movies with her and not know what to do... But maybe this is it, this is what parents do.
We met Jacquelin the following Thursday, after two whole days on the foster parent list. I had many conversations with the barrage of people in her life, from her therapist to her social worker, and one of her primary caregivers. They had all warned me that she was very mouthy and also extremely shy. But all of them agreed that she was a really wonderful girl, and as soon as I cracked that hard exterior shell I was in for something very special. We were supposed to meet her at the group home for an introduction and then, if she felt comfortable, we were going to head back to our house and show her around. She could barely get herself in the door, she was so shy. At the time we thought that she wasn't going to pick us.
We told her that we had already said yes to her, and now it was up to her to decide if she wanted to live with us. She had two questions: 1. Would she be able to hang out with her friends if she finished all of her homework? (at the group home she isn't allowed to hang out with anyone outside of school) 2. Could she get an iphone? We reassured her that she would be able to have sleep overs, and that we would provide the food for her friends while they were here (she thought she'd have to pay). But Brenden and I, both avid android users who joke that the only apple product we had was stock (a joke that was much funnier last year) we appalled. Should a 14 year old really have an iphone? But Brenden and I said we would try to figure it out a way to make it work, and even if it wasn't an iphone, it would be a smart phone.
She said she'd like to see our house. We made awkward small talk in the car on our way to the house and when we got here she told us it was nice and that she was worried she'd get lost trying to find her way around the house. We sat in our living room to talk, and I asked her if she'd like to live with us. She said yes. I told her that she could call us whatever she wanted to, and she said that she wanted to call us mom and dad. That was the point where my very tall and slightly Brawny man looking husband began to cry. Then Jacquelin's primary caregiver, Marie started crying, followed by Jacquelin and lastly by me. There we were, all sobbing away in the living room.
What followed was the back and forth that I'm sure is a completely normal in a world where nothing is really normal. In the next few meetings, sometimes we would meet her and she would be happy and engaged in conversations, other times she would be sullen and removed. Even when she would get upset with us and not speak to me for days, she would always tell her social worker, her case worker and her primary caregiver that she was moving in with us on June 24th. We got together for a couple of dinners, a movie and with every meeting we would get closer and closer and she would slowly begin to open up more. The final crack in the armor of teenage angst came when she called me at 9pm on a Thursday night and asked if I would take her to get her nails done on Friday for a party that she was going to on Saturday. My roommate, Jacquelin and I all went to my great nail place in the Inner Richmond. I couldn't get her to stop talking and sharing. From then on, it's been a constant stream of communication and plans for when she moves in. All we had to do was plan it. We scheduled a time to get her bedsheets, pack her up, and most importantly, get her her phone.
So we went to get the phone, but first I had to discuss it with my girlfriends and parents to see what they thought about it. I was raised in two families, when I was growing up my mother would make me pay the difference between a plain manila folder and the Lisa Frank folder that all of the other girls had. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't justify buying a teenager a $300 piece of electronic equipment. I spoke with my very level headed and frugal friend, who told me exactly what I wanted to hear, that I shouldn't get her the phone. But when I spoke with Brenden we determined that the problem we had was with apple products and that we would have got her a smart phone anyway so that we could have her run her calender and security app that we run and all be in communication. We ended up saying that we'd buy her the phone, in exchange for extra chores. I reconciled it as being a much needed accessory in our age of technology. After spending hours in an ATT store, she had her phone and we were ready for Monday.
Today, I came over to the group home that she was moving out of, not just once to pick her up, but twice. Her friend was so worried about her moving that Jacquelin didn't want her to see her moving any of her stuff for fear that it would make her more upset. So I came over at noon and helped her pack up the rest of her clothes and nick knacks and then came over again at 5:30 to pick her up.
She was still saying goodbye to all of her friends. It was great to see how many people she affected and how many people are going to miss her there. Her best friend was especially sad and her sister was finding it hard to be there to say goodbye. She was crying and upset, but also really excited to be coming to our house. I had completely forgotten that I had a similar goodbye when I left the shelter after 6 months of living there. I had friends from the shelter that I had convinced my high school dance committee (of which I was chair) to let them come to the dance too. They were so excited to join the dance and had a wonderful time. These friends were also the reason I got my EMT license. I was hanging out with this black guy with an Irish accent, I believe his name was Dylan. He explained to me that his mother was a prostitute in Reno and that sometimes she would drop off money for him at the hotel where she kept him. When he would have the money he would first go and buy food for himself for the week and then, next, he would pick a place he wanted to travel to and go there on the greyhound bus. He was 14, I was 14. Neither of us were interested in the rest of the way that the shelter works, with kids having fits and fighting with each other. We hung out in the nurses office and did our homework and read the EMT book she had in her library. I learned that I can get my EMT license as early as 15, and made that my goal, which basically occupied my time through the rest of the shelter.
Though I've tried, halfheartedly to find the people that made life bearable in the shelter, I've put those people into my past and really have never tried to retrieve them. I'm looking forward to seeing how Jacquelin handles all of this. I'd love for her to continue those relationships. When speaking with one of her favorite caregivers at her group home, Darren told me that he hopes that she doesn't call or stay in contact, that is time for her to move on with her life. I don't know which way is right, or what she'll choose.
But in the mean time I'll just sit here and watch silly movies with her and not know what to do... But maybe this is it, this is what parents do.
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